Curb Your Metabolism: A Super-Serious Study on the Feasibility of Ingestion on E-Scooters
Let’s face it: Electric scooters are taking over our city. According to a 2019 study entitled “Assessment of E-Scooter Volume Solely by Looking Around,” there is currently an e-scooter for every Charlotte resident. It’s only a matter of time before e-scooters completely eliminate other forms of transportation, such as cars, light rail, roller skates and horses.
At this point, you must be saying, “Hey, I do a lot of things while driving to save time. Things like shopping on Amazon, swiping on Bumble, eating my lunch. Am I still going to be able to do all those things while scootering?”
Worry not, concerned readers. We here at The Biscuit have answered one of those burning questions for you: What is the best/worst food to eat while you’re riding an e-scooter?
(Note: I attempted swiping on Bumble while scootering, but that particular case study ended abruptly when I realized I had already swiped through everyone currently on Bumble.)
In order to initiate the study, we had to determine two things:
- An optimum location
- An ideal subject
Based on precise calculations, we identified the SouthEnd area of Charlotte as the perfect location for this experiment; the aforementioned, aforemadeup study asserts that 96.55% of the Queen City’s active e-scooters are located in SouthEnd.
We also decided that no one is more qualified to be the subject of this case study than I, for the following reasons:
- I am not married;
- I do not have any children or pets;
- I am a writer (which means the use of my legs and face is more of a preference than a necessity, in case something tragic happens);
- And finally, I love science (fiction).
With that said, we are ready for action!
FIRST COURSE: SUPERICA
According to a 2018 study, “Fabrication of General Presumptions About Popular Global Cuisines,” Mexican food is everyone’s favorite food to eat when on the go. So, we decided to start the experiment off at Superica Tex-Mex restaurant. We asked the staff of Superica to suggest an item that would be the easiest to eat while scootering and another that would give me the lowest chance of survival while scootering. They recommended the Tacos al Carbon with chicken (easiest) and the Picadillo Enchiladas (hardest).
I found the Tacos al Carbon to be both delicious and incredibly easy to manage. It was a great first course and I didn’t even come close to breaking my face.
Then we moved on to the Picadillo Enchiladas…
Let me first say that I moved to Mooresville, NC, from Hong Kong at the age of 13. Still, eating a beef-stuffed enchilada while scootering is the toughest thing I’ve ever done as a human being. It was like watching a drunk dog trying to eat a bowl of spaghetti placed on a Rumba.
I quickly realized that I couldn’t do it alone, so I brought in my good friend Tony-G (also a believer in science) from Charlotte Comedy Theater to serve as my lab assistant.
This portion of the study led to a crucial discovery: It takes two to make a thing go right. It also takes two to make it outta sight.
SECOND COURSE: FUTO BUTA
After our successful appetizer round from Superica, we were ready for something more challenging. Our next stop: Futo Buta.
Yes, I ventured into territory henceforth unexplored by science – I attempted to eat ramen while scootering.
The naysayers may say, “Nay! That’s silly!” But keep in mind, said naysayers have said such silliness prior to every great achievement. First flight. Man on the moon. Mixing Sriracha with non-Asian food. We were resolved that the doubters would not stop us from achieving our goal of having delicious ramen on the go!
The seasoned staff at Futo Buta suggested the Low Country Smoked Pork Belly Buns (easiest to eat) and the Shoyu ramen (toughest to eat) for our investigation. First, the Pork Belly Buns.
My first attempts included efforts to ingest the bun by chopsticks, by hand and by assist.
However, that plan failed miserably, as the majority of the bun (and by majority, I mean 100% of it) ended up on the ground.
Mercifully, each order of the Pork Belly Buns comes as a set of two buns. With the first bun now ruined due to scientific malpractice, I had a crucial decision to make regarding what to do with the second/last one. So I took care of the bun the only way I knew how: I ate it while standing still on the ground, at a safe distance away from the e-scooter. Futo Buta’s Pork Belly Bun was too precious to risk losing, even in the name of science.
Now we are onto the main event: Eating Shoyu ramen while scootering.
We started off with my man Tony-G having the noodles ready with a pair of chopsticks as I drove by on the e-scooter.
While that was a great success (props to Tony-G with the flawless chopstick-holding form), we all knew it was time for me to do this on my own. And …
WE DID IT! It got a little messy, but you know what they say: No Pain, No Gain!
THIRD COURSE: TWO SCOOPS
“A meal is not considered a meal unless there’s ice cream involved,” said my heart. So, to finish this groundbreaking study off, we headed to Two Scoops Creamery.
By this point in the case study, my eating-while-scootering skillz had gone from “Hey, maybe…not do this?” to “Hey, why don’t people do this more?” My hypothesis was that one single scoop of vanilla ice cream topped with rainbow sprinkles stood no chance against me – and as you can see, I was right.
But then… it happened.
I decided to give it one last shot, with Tony-G holding the cold ice cream cone as I came in hot on the scooter.
Well, I came in WAY too hot, and the subject (aka my face) collided with the entire ice cream cone and broke the cone in half. Next thing I knew I was three inches away from a brick wall, and I saw my entire life (or at least my last three meals) flash before me. Luckily, I was able to avoid the brick wall and launched forward.
Gentle readers, I sacrificed my body for this scientific research so that, together, we can create a better future for our children. Our conclusions will be published later this month in The Biscuit Journal of Culinary Inquiry, but for now, we strongly advise against eating while scootering. Just eat normal and tip your servers.
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